for you my tounge unties.
before your heart my heart unravels.
14th of March
as the flame drowns in the melting wax,
as the stone comes tumbling down from the mountain top.
11th of March
a cold night. it snowed before. i hate that spring comes so late.
im standing on the balcony with my dearest friend. she asks me if i wont regret this. i say nothing. minding the cigarette inbetween my fingers i lean in.
ah, but the world doesn't stop. but the thoughts dont rush through my head, and dont explode at a finale. we are just humans, doing what humans understand as a manifestation of love. our lips crash.
its not sexual. its not even romantic. but at that moment, i think i understand. i understand our humanity, and what about us goes way beyond. its shortlived, but it's sweet. it's enough for me. at once im all over the space, ran over by some powerful force and. my soul is thrown to its knees, and im somehow true to myself. its too much again.
i break down into tears, but my sweet friend holds me. heading insinde, i lie in someone else's bed for a moment. and i shake from how much ive had.
23th of February
the past week is a blur...like i was trying to take a long exposure picture of the world, but it kept moving. i stayed motionless, wasting time again.
19th of February
i guess there is something comforting about being on a road to nowhere.
theres no destination: no expectations await, so i wont fail anyone, or myself. ill just keep walking, a rythimic walk, until i decide that im finished.
then, ill go to sleep. forever.
17th of February
in every place i go, i look for a glimpse of you.
that night i saw someone who almost looked like you. in a place where i shouldn't be... among the flashing lights and loud music, we even talked. when the stranger leaned over to whisper in my ear my soul shook. looking into the eyes of this stranger, ive felt the true fright.
ive never felt so out of place. nothing felt real. maybe it was the alkohol's fault. i wish it made me more sociable. instead it just turns me pensive and lost. makes my soul feel far away, and heavy on my back at the same time. the muffed music in a half-demolished bathroom. i'm but a witness to the scenes from a psychodelic porno film unraveling inside.
my friend had her arms around my neck, in a drunken embrace, kissing my face all over. i laughed an empty laugh. in my head, there were deafening waves, and each thought that reached the shore soon drowned in the tide.
15th of February
"it was a day that had began and ran out."
i sit with my best friend by the river. the water turns pink, and the sun sets as we share a cigarette. we used to come here a lot in spring last year. everything was so different. but i dont think i felt right then. that was when i've loved for the last time.
it almost feels like spring now... i hope it comes soon to save me from winter's sins.
14th of February. Velentine's Day.
for the one i love
my dearest friend,
On Valentine's Day, many people look for pathos: carefully chosen words and confessions.
As you know, I love pathos, everything sublime and poetic, so as your faithful friend, I am asking you to accept this humble letter from me.
My firend, you know how people sacrifice themselves for love. they look for the one special person: someone with whom they could spend the rest of their lives.
they wander the paths of life, dreaming of being loved and loving someone. loving unconditionally, loving someone regardless of their flaws. something I desperately need.
True love is like a fireplace in your living room. your reach for it to warm your hands, you watch the flames dance their unpredictable dance.
or, its like a small flame in your trusted lighter; you flick it a few times and shield the glimmer form the wind with your hand when you light a cigarette. regardless what form it takes its something worth protecting and caring for.
I believe that what we share is love. I believe that you are my soulmate: that we are two tears from the same eye, twin flames.
I feel it when I listen to the music and think that there are so many songs I would sway to with you all night long.
I feel it when I look at the sky, alone, and I want you next to me.
when I see beautiful, quiet places places I want you to come and be quiet with me. When i get lost in a busy city, that leaves no room for thoughts, i want you to come and find me.
I feel it when I eat something tasty and wonder whether you would like it.
Finally, I feel it when I go to sleep, alone, how I wish I could wake up somewhere in the corner of the bed in the morning, making room for you to stretch your legs.
If I could, I would make sure that every night you sleep through. that my friend wakes up rested, without any burden on their heart.
I would give up my life to keep you happy and safe.
I want a peaceful love. I want an everyday life with you.
I want to give you so much, but I know I am not capable. I know our relationship will never be romantic, but I think we're beyond that.
you gave me a true friendship that means so much to me.
you are the one worth looking for the entire life. you are the sparkle that I carry in my heart, that warms me during the awfulest storms, the cold nights I lie alone and fight my thoughts.
I think so much, I think all the time, but you calm me down and you bring me down to earth. you are like the metal weights that keep my soul from flying off.
for that, and for another year of your love, I will forever be grateful.
Wherever I am, I'll hold on tight to what we've been through together.
Wherever fate takes us, I will always love my friend.
yours, tempe.
7th of February
my dearest sister.
thank you for comprehending what ive told you. you gave me a glimpse of hope for the first time in more than 4 years.
4th of February
i yearn to see beauty in life.
i want to live a beautiful life: full of beautiful everydays. i'd like to love the pigeons, flying over my head, knowing all the places. if i could, id follow them to find out how to survive the same day over and over again.
id like to feel at home, id like to smell the fresh bedsheets and wake up rested. i'd love to make myself a nourishing meal, and eat it whole.
id like a calm life of watching the nature. id accept being alone, id come to peace with myself. id be the realest, most human i can be. id be happy.
30th of January
i always want to see you in my dreams. i believe its the only way to see you. i sleep so much, but dream so little.
most of my dreams are a distorted version of reality. i see the passing days, but shomewhat changed. it doesnt help.
date unknown
i feel like im on the road to nowhere, each day of my life passing without me.
date unknown
thinking about you
makes me so nervous
i feel like im about to be sick.
maybe there is something wrong with me, but before going to sleep that night i begged some unknown entity to let me go back in time to prevent this.
date unknown
i can't help but feel overwhelming sorrow for what you could have been.
10th of January
i always wanted to die young, somehow get frozen in time.
people would remeber me just like this. younger ones would quickly become older than me, but i would stay the same.
a witness to their growth, but always unchanged.
gazing in their eyes from the pictures, a forever lost girl.
but im coward. thats why im still here.
