i was laughing so hard, it got difficult to even hold the camera still in my hands. waves of laughter erupting and taking over me, all this because i was simply unable to take your picture. whats so funny about that? someting as easy suddenly became the most difficult thing in the world. impossible, almost, with my shaky hands. i laughed, and laughed, untill i started to cry and weep. tears running down my face, i was muttering apologies. your sweet and forgiving self asked if i was apologising for laughing. well, was i? i wasnt sure. why was i laughing? i realised what have i done. that ive just used a substance, and that it had an effect on me. i somehow believed that you can just fight it. that you can just act normal. that i wont lose myself the way i did. you helped me calm down and i managed to take the picture. laughing again, because of the face you made, or something. you took a picture of me, and when i looked at it i couldnt see my face. there were dark dots covering my eyes and cheeks. like something biting and burning through an old photograph, leaving it stained for years.

i somehow i ended up by the radiator, though only craving the warmth of another person, i leaned against it. i watched you, as you finished smoking. we lied down, and i was still somewhere between laughing and crying. i dont think ive ever felt something this intense. you embraced me, and besides the shame and confusion i felt loved. crushed and pined to the bed, i felt the heavy sky press against me. the night was quiet, only occasionally disturbed by the average city center sounds. i looked into your eyes. you had three pairs going way beyond your face. beautiful. the room was spinning, there was too much of everything. but you looked so unreal, with purple highlights reflecting on your face.
and besides my guilt of the good girl i once was, now forever gone, it felt good to lose the burden in my heart.